Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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