I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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