I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
