I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
