When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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