the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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