so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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