if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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