we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Boobs speak an international language.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
