Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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