Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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