I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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