Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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