I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
