How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
