so that wasnt chicken after all
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
