I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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