Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
