I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
