I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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