Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
is that a dick in a sweater?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize