btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize