I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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