my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
