I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
