why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
