I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
