Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
wow bdsm is so cute
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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