I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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