My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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