we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
