Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
