I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
