Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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