Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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