The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
