Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
