I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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