I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
