I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize