Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
