Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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