I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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