Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
