Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
