she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize