I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Houston, we have a blender
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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