Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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