I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
