Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
