Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
