Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have fence marks all over my body
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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