Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
