I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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