I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
