how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
