I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
