Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I need water and some morals
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
