sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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