he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
